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British Humour - 2

This is page 2 of British humour.

 

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my guide dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as guide dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

How many politicians does it take to change a light-bulb?
The government is well aware of the situation and will set up a committee to look into the possiblity of changing the light-bulb.

Where do policemen live?
999 Letsbe Avenue.

English Tourist: Hello. Do you farm around here?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Fantastic day isn't it?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Have you lived here all of your life?
Cornish Farmer: Not yet.

Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca.
One looked at the other and asked, 'Are you brown from the sun?'
'No,' replied the other, 'I'm Smith from The Times.'

A man once walked into a shop which sold musical instruments and bought a very expensive mouthorgan. As the shopkeeper wrapped up the purchase he said, 'You know is this is quite amazing. We normally don't sell many mouth organs, but this is the second one I've sold today.
'Oh,' said the customer, 'that must have been our Monka.'

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

King Henry VIII called in the executioner. He said, 'What do you charge to do an execution?'
The executioner said, 'A pound sir.'
The King said, 'And what if I wanted to have all my six wives done at the same time?'
The executioner said, 'Well in that case it'd be 60p a head.'

Two seagulls were flying over the beach at a seaside resort one boiling hot August Bank Holiday afternoon. Every way they looked, there were so many people there wasn't a speck of sand to be seen.
'Ah,' said one to the other contemptuously, 'takes all the skill out of it, doesn't it?'

A poor little East End kid was taken away to the country for his first holiday and as he got out of the train at his destination he looked around in bewilderment. 'Blimeyl What a lot of grass to keep off.'

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Here is a randomly selected joke

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ammonia
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little girl and I can't reach the bell.

You can find more jokes like this in the Knock Knock Jokes category.