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British Humor - 3

This is page 3 of British humor.

 

Two little East End kids were paddling in the sea at Southend. 'Cor,' said one, 'look at your feet. They ain't half dirty.'
'Well, we didn't have no 'oliday last year.'

Went to the seaside for a vacation last year. The landlady said to me, 'We charge twenty pounds a night, bed and breakfast- or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.' 'Oh, all right,' I said, 'I'll make the bed.' And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.

My brother was up in court last week. The judge said, 'What is this man charged with?'
The policeman said, 'He opened a shop sir.'
The judge said, 'And what is wrong with opening a shop?'
The policeman said, 'Well it wasn't his shop sir.'

This nurse was learning first aid. The sister said, 'Nurse, imagine a man's been brought in after an accident and he's bleeding badly. What's the first thing you'd do?'
The nurse said. 'Faint.'

There was me and my brother, in this cottage in the country, all on our own in the dead of night. My brother said, 'What was that noise? I thought I heard an owl.'
I said, 'You probably did. I stepped on the dog's paw.'

My brother said, 'You'd better know from the start that my favourite food is trash and onions.'
The girl said, 'Tripe.'
He said, 'Don't start arguing before we're married.'

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Here is a randomly selected joke

Did you know that Alexander the Great actually invented the first wristwatch? It was a piece of cloth that had been treated to turn different colors at different angles of the sun, and it was worn around the wrist.
He called it Alexander's Rag Time Band.

You can find more jokes like this in the Miscellaneous Jokes category.