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Jokes About Animals And Pets

 


Animals and pets are often a good source of jokes. Here are just a few examples of animal humor.

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jokes about animals

Put the cat out?? I didn't know it was on fire!

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, else no drink," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk. She took the parrot home. In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed.
"The parrot doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a mirror?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a mirror. "So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned.
"The parrot still doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a ladder?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a ladder." So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage. Another week and a half passed and she returned.
"The parrot still doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a swing?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a swing. "So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage. A week and a half later she returned. She was furious!
The store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"
"No!, he died."
"Oh, that's terrible. But did he say anything before he died?"
"Yes.""What?"
"He gasped 'Don't they have any food down at that pet store?'"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

A man was driving through the countryside in his car and he decided to stop at a bar for a drink. After he had ordered his drink, a large brown horse came into the bar. It sat down at a table and ordered a cup of coffee. The man was amazed, and asked the barman if it was not unusual for the horse to come into a bar and order a coffee. "Yes" replied the barman, "normally he orders a pint of beer."

'I call my pet Tiny,' said Peter.
'Why do you call him Tiny?' asked one of his friends.
'Because he's my newt.'

Why is your cat so small?
He only dnnks condensed milk.

By the way did you hear about the St Bernard that went up a mountain in a storm to take some brandy to a climber who was lost? Well, they thought he was a goner, because he was gone for a few days, but all of a sudden he turned up again with a note round his neck. It said, 'I enjoyed the brandy very much. Can you send up the rest of the bottle?'

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Here is a randomly selected joke

An avid Dallas Cowboys fan took his dog to a sports bar one Sunday afternoon to watch the game. The bartender reluctantly let the dog in, and the pooch sat quietly as the game progressed. When the Cowboys got a field goal, the dog went crazy - barking, running in circles and doing back flips. "What does he do when they score a touchdown?" the amazed bartender asked. "I don't know," replied the owner. "I've only had him for two years."

You can find more jokes like this in the Jokes About Sports category.