Funny Miscellaneous Jokes - 2

There was my uncle threshing around in the sea, drowning, and this woman went by. My uncle shouted to her. 'I can't swim, I can't swim.'
She said, 'So what? I can't play the violin but I don't go shouting about it.'

My brother went to three parties. At the first party he broke his arm, at the second party he broke his leg, and after that he got Third Party Insurance.

I was staying with my uncle. One day he come in and said, 'One of the chickens has just died. We'll have roast chicken for dinner.'
I said, 'Lovely.'
The next day he come in and said, 'One of the pigs has just died. We'll have roast pork for dinner.'
I said,'Lovely:
One of the ducks died the next day. He said, 'We'll have roast duck for dinner.'
I said, 'Lovely.'
Then the next day he came down all dressed in black.
He said, 'Your auntie's just died.'
I said, 'Don't worry. I'm not stopping for dinner.'

This man was going to be hung. And there he was standing on the trap door with the rope round his neck when in comes a warder with a letter. The prison governor says, 'Stop everything, I want to read this.' And he opens the letter. And he read it. And he laughs. And he laughs and he laughs and he laughs. And there's the prisoner standing there on the trap door and he doesn't know what's going on. He says, 'Tell me, have I got a reprieve?'
The governor says, 'No, you've just won the pools.'

One caveman said to the other, 'What's that big thing with the long neck writing Jane Eyre?'
The other one said, 'That's Bronte-saurus.'

King Henry VIII went to heaven. St Peter said, 'Tell me, why did you have so many different wives?'
Henry said, 'I like to' chop and change.'

The emperor Nero called in his entertainments manager. He said, 'Nutticus, you've done very well. You've got me some very tasty looking Christians and some very hungry looking lions. Well done.
Nutticus said, 'Thank you your majesty.'
Nero said, 'There's just one problem however.
Nutticus said, 'What's that?'
Nero said, 'How are you going to stop the hooligans running onto the pitch?'

Anne Boleyn went up to heaven with her head under her arm. St Peter said, 'How are you my dear? It must've been a terrible day.'
She said, 'Ill say. I've got a splitting headache.'

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't: you get down from a duck!

Where do gnomes go to to get fit?
To an elf farm.

You know you're having a bad day when - your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

You can find more jokes like this in the Miscellaneous category.