Funny Miscellaneous Jokes - 5

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me Doc, how is he?" The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is he's going to live. The bad news is we're pretty sure he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

Labor or Hard Labor.....you decide!
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x 8'cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

"What do you mean by telling everyone I'm an idiot?"
"Sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret."

"It's gone forever - gone forever I tell you."
"What has?"
"Yesterday."

The judge said to the dentist: "Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"

Who wrote Oliver Twist?
How the dickens should I know?

Which hand do you stir your coffee with?
Neither, I use a spoon.

ya mummas so fat she makes free willy look like a tic tac

Submitted by: TrUbLe N RhEaNn

Mavis: "Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy myself a new hat."
Betty: "So that's where you get them."

A young boy got lost at a basball game. He went up to a police officer and said "I've lost my father."
"What's he like?" asked the officer.
"Beer and women," replied the boy.

The man said, 'That bloke over there thinks he's a goat.'
My brother said, 'How long's he thought that?'
The man said, 'Ever since he was a kid.'

You can find more jokes like this in the Childrens category.