A Scot from Aberdeen was on holiday in London and every night he returned to his hotel full of the wonders of the city. So much so that another guest asked: 'Is this your first visit?'
'Aye, it is.'
'You seem to be having a great time.'
'Aye, I am that.'
'And what's more, it's not just a holiday. It's my honeymoon as well.'
'Oh. Then where's your wife?'
'Och. She's been here before.'
Hear about the skeleton that wore a kilt? It was Boney Prince Charlie.
My wife was the last of 5 Scottish sisters to marry, the confetti was filthy.
Woman in butcher's shop: "what's the cheapest meat that you have?" Butcher: "Whale meat, madam." Woman: "How much is it". Butcher: "Thirty pence a kilo." Woman: "Well give me a quarter-kilo, and can you throw in the head, for my cat."
One summers day, an American visitor to a Scottish seaside town went into a bar and asked for a whiskey on the rocks. The barmaid said, "You can take it out onto the rocks if you like, but make sure that you bring the empty glass back." "What do you mean," said the American. "On the rocks - I want ice with it." "This isn't the season for ice," said the barmaid, "You'll have to come back in January."
Hamish: "Do you know what's the difference between you and a vending machine?" Jimmy: "No?" Hamish: "You can get a drink out of a vending machine."
Yesterday, Sandy McNab was run over by a beer delivery truck. It was the first time for years that the drinks had been on him.
How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob? Take up a collection.
A Scotsman living in London was always boasting about his native land to his English friends. One of them asked him. "If it's such a wonderful place, why don't you live in Scotland?" "Well," he explained, "they were much too clever for me there, but I get on quite well her."